Friday, 18 July 2014

How I Think I Look When I Sabre A Champagne Bottle Vs How I Actually Look

Nailed it.

Ah, the 'How I Think I Look Vs. How I Actually Look' meme. We at Vinspire have found a use for you at last.

You know how it is. You're at a party, and suddenly it's time for some fine fizz, and so naturally someone brings out a giant sword to take the cork off with. Because that's how it's done when you're a Champagne playaaaa.*

This is your moment to shine, so you take the bottle (foil and wire cage removed already, because that's what butlers are for), grip it firmly in your big, manly hands, and sweep your big sword majestically up the bottle's curvy body like some kind of kinky, fizz-related foreplay. At the climax of your sabre's sweep, it merely brushes the cork, and BAM, it's flying to the moon and your champers is gracefully spurting out of the neck. It's Moet meets Mills & Boon, and you are definitely getting laid tonight.

That's how it happens, right? Well, no. Sometimes it doesn't happen like that - not even a little bit.

The Vinspire team would like to bring you the right way and the wrong way to sabre a bottle of Champagne:

First, here's a video of Freddy at The Champagne Academy last June, losing his sabre virginity at the hands of a suave-looking Frenchman. They're  both wearing nice suits, the crowd is cheering them on, and in typical French style the sabring works like a charm. Everyone claps. Lovely:

Skip forward a year to July 2014, and our very own Sam Green is being shown the same trick by Freddy. Only Freddy's not got that French 'je ne sais quoi' teacher-wise, and everyone's had about 2 glasses of Champagne too many to be able to do this without a right royal Bollinger balls-up. Predictably, this happens:

That's right, in his tipsy state Sam uses too much force, the pressure is all too much for the poor Bolly, and the bottle explodes in his hands, sending a tidal wave of £35-quid Champagne all over Sam's fetching vest. Glass shards fly in all directions, narrowly missing several of the seated guests, and one of the party (me, unfortunately) appears to squawk like a peacock in shock and do a bit of a swear.

Don't drink and sabre, kids. Or at least do it very, very far away from your guests and don't put any pressure on the sword - using the seam of the bottle as a guide for its path - and if you can, get someone that knows what they're doing to show you a dummy run before you give it a go.

Epic Champagne sabring fail. Feel free to send us in any footage of your own sabring disasters - if we get enough, we may create a Public Service Announcement video or something. 'When Champagne Sabring Goes Wrong.'

* seriously, Champagne sabrage has been done for centuries.

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