Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Life Lessons: When Wine Helps and When it Doesn't


There are certain situations when wine is fine. If anything, there are some situations when a hefty glass or 5 really helps everything play out nice and smoothly. Equally though, there are certain times when drinking a bottle of wine is absolutely not fine.

If, like me, you have always wondered what the general rules are when it comes to drinking before you act, I thought it would be really helpful to compile a list of scenarios and then say if wine would help and if it wouldn't. My advice would be to print this list off and keep it with you at all times, along with a backpack full of wine, so next time a situation arrises, you can make sure it is a success first time around...

1. Driving -Wine Does NOT Help...
In fact, operating any sort of heavy machinery. If this is what you are planning on doing, my advice would be to definitely not have a glass of wine. You can't taste, smell or appreciate a fine Red Burgundy when you are behind the wheel of an HGV or an aeroplane, plus you stand a pretty good chance of killing yourself and others. This is NOT good. You don't want this.

2. Texting/Calling an ex - Wine DOES Help...
If you have just never got over them and wonder if they feel the same about you, 3 years after breaking up, you will probably find that this situation is much more confidently approached after a bottle of Pinot Grigio. In fact, you may even experience what we call a 'Handy Blackout' where you wake up in the morning and don't even remember doing it. Without wine, you probably wouldn't have even picked up the phone. Good work, wine!

3. Going To Work - Wine Does NOT Help...
You probably shouldn't drink wine before going to work, unless you are a professional drunk or you are Russell Crowe (but then again, I'm not sure those jobs even exist). Being wined up in the workplace will probably just make you sick on your keyboard and that isn't good. Your boss won't appreciate it either. If you are self-employed, on the other hand...

4. Taking Your Trousers Off At A Party - Oh Boy, Wine DOES Help...
Ever been at a party where there is just no atmosphere, full of boring people with grey beards... and their husbands? Ever thought to yourself "This situation doesn't contain enough nudity", you could be the one to fix this. The act of 'de-trousering' yourself is certainly much easier after copious amounts of alcohol and it is sure to transform an evening, one way or another.

5. Looking After Children - Wine Does NOT Help...
Although you are thinking that wine probably helps a lot when looking after loud and leaky little people, it really isn't a good idea. Consequences of drinking too much before child-minding have been known to include unflattering pictures of yourself on crimewatch. Learn from other criminal's mistakes before it's too late.

6. Meeting The In-Laws - Wine DOES Help...
It's a stressful situation, meeting the in-laws for the first time, and as we all know, a quick drink can calm the nerves. The more nervous you are, the more you should drink, it's simple science. This way, you will come across as a super laid-back person, which your partner's parents will just love. I'm sure they will find your slurred story of "how this shirt ended up with blood stains on it" truely captivating and the act of having to clean your sick up off the floor will bring you closer together as a family.

7. Being A Surgeon - Wine Does NOT Help...
We've all been there - the patient on the table, their chest wide open, their heart removed and the donor's heart about to be inserted, when all of a sudden, some dozy sod knocks over the magnum of claret. This isn't a good thing - drinking wine while performing open-heart surgery is a bad idea. If you accidentally touch the sides, the buzzer goes off and then you look like a total LOSER!

8. Reading My Blog Posts - Wine DOES Help...
Honestly, drink a bottle of something cheap and nasty and then read this back again, it will make a world of difference...

So there you have it, a handy list of scenarios and clear-cut answers to the life long question "Should I be more drunk right now?". You're welcome, world.

We would love to hear your input so let us know if you have ever learnt from experience!

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