Alcoholic tips to make Valentine's Day run smoothly

Yuck.

It's Valentine's Day on Tuesday, did you know?

If you have a partner, it's probably pretty awkward at the moment because one of you is trying to keep your plans a secret, and the other one is thinking, "What a dick, they've not even got anything sorted for Tuesday." Classic predicament.

Because I'm pretty much Cupid, just worse to look at and crap with a bow and arrow, I thought my wisdom might come in handy to those of you who are perhaps taking someone out for your first Valentine's evening together. It can be nerve-racking, but if you have ever read any of my other "advice" (I use the term loosely) pieces, you will already know that I speak utter shite good sense.

You've obviously sorted flowers and bowls with floating candles and covering the entire dining room with rose-petals, that's a given. Hell, you probably have the food sorted too right? Something romantic like Oysters, Caviar or a Pot Noodle, but the question still remains: what do you drink?

Laura has already written a great guide of actual, real life, good wines to drink for Valentine's, with names like Passion Has Red Lips, Sexy Beast Cabernet and Love Pole Semillon (I made up Love Pole Semillon, but the others exist), so now she has covered the good ideas, I thought I would quickly go over the not so good ideas.

1. Avoid serving Ron Jeremy's Rum, at all costs. It might give the wrong impression, or the intended impression, which is still the WRONG impression. You don't want to give your partner anything with a long finish that tickles the back of the throat just yet. Come on people, behave.
Hugo wrote about Ron Jeremy's Rum a while back, and it's worth reading.

2. Probably don't drink too much in order to calm your nerves. It's maybe a good idea to knock back a quick shot of whisky, but no more than a shot! Slurring your words and not being able to walk in a straight line is not a good thing. Plus, saying to your date "'ere youuu know what...? I bloody love yooou, I do," could potentially ruin everything for everyone.

3. Sabrage is a no-no at an intimate meal for two. You won't look funny or clever whipping your sword out at the dinner-table. It might come across as a little 'forward', and if the bottle is a little shaken up, you risk soaking your date. NO, that's not good. Stop it.

You see, they do exist...

4. Please don't serve any wines from the Playboy Wine Club range. Giving the impression you wished your lady-date looked more like the girl off the bottle of Zinfandel is a bad thing, and it won't go down well. And yes, there is a range of Playboy wines... Hugh Helfensteiner is up to his old tricks again (if you click the link you will realise that is an outstanding wine joke, feedback on postcards please).

5. Carlsberg do not do Valentine's dates so don't bother drinking Carlsberg until you can't feel the pain of being single on Tuesday 14th, because it won't help. If they did do Valentine's dates though, they would be amazing. Drink craft lager instead if you are on your own, it's tasty.

With a combination of Laura's what to drink piece and these five things to remember, you should be on target for the best Valentine's Day ever. Whether you are an avid fan of the soppiest day of the year, or you just think it's the soppiest day of the year, do something fun.

We would like invitations to the weddings please. Best Man speeches are available upon request...

What have you got planned for Valentine's Day? Let us know by commenting below, or on our Twitter and Facebook pages.

Images taken from JanviSharma, Vinspire & Dracula&stuff's photostreams respectively, under the creative commons license.