How to Not Look Like a Wine Twat at Parties

Messrs Fountain and Bulmer - kindly providing an example of what
you should absolutely NOT do...

So if you work in the wine industry, you will have no doubt been in an out-of-work gathering at some point, with friends who don't particularly drink wine or certainly aren't wine geeks, where you have been happily slurping your vino, sticking your nose in the glass and making all sorts of weird tasting noises, before realising that everyone is looking at you.

The worst part is that you probably didn't even realise that you were doing it but the fact that you were practically using the stuff as mouth-wash (during that quiet part of the song that's on in the background) means that every other bugger in the room has noticed.

You are probably thinking something along the lines of "but if I want to enjoy the wine fully, I need to get air over it in my mouth and get it in contact with all parts of my palate". Although this is quite true, the sad fact is that you look like a total nob.

People hate a wine snob, and although you might not have even opened your mouth to voice your opinion on what you are drinking, people now have you down as one, whether you like it or not (if you do like it, then please stop reading now, you are a tool and there is no helping you).

I thought it might be handy to climb right up on my high-horse and give a few handy and friendly pointers on how to avoid ultimate Wine Twattery.

1. NO NOISES. As I just mentioned, when you are in a situation with folks who don't have a passion for plonk, don't swill and gargle and make sloppy, slurpy noises. Just fucking drink the stuff. You will sound like a tit and that spend the rest of your life being called things like Sloppy Joe...

2. NO NOSES. Take your nose out of the glass. Once or twice is acceptable but anything more than that and you will get weird looks. Once again, just fucking drink the stuff.

3. NO NOSTALGIA. Don't reminisce about that time you visited that vineyard and the wine that you are drinking at the moment reminds you about the second wine of the chateau, due to its balsamic notes and flirtatious mid-palate. People most likely won't appreciate hearing a tasting note for something that they have never heard of and don't care about. You will come off as a fuck-wit and members of the opposite sex will avoid you. And members of the same sex, for that matter.

4. NO PREACHING. The wine that other people at the party are drinking is totally fine. You don't have to drink it too, but you REALLY don't have to make a point of telling them how disgusting it is, because it's from a supermarket and their offers are not to be trusted and besides, at that price the juice is only worth a matter of pence... Just keep your mouth shut and have a beer instead. And yes, American lager is fine if you want friends: it is cold and wet and alcoholic.

5. NO TWEED. Quite simply, tweed has a right time and place. This is not it. If you are going to a wine tasting then by all means tweed it up like a warm-winter-motherfucker but otherwise, keep the tweed jacket and matching Y-fronts in the bedroom...

If you follow these five simple steps, then you have potential to not only be the coolest guy/gal at the party but also not come off as a totally pretentious, wine slurping, aroma sniffing, miserable, tweed-clad Wine Twat.

Sadly, I'm speaking from experience...