Thursday, 5 December 2013

The Next Wine Dinner at Bistro Awesommelier

Bistro Awesommelier is delighted to preview an upcoming wine dinner with Personal Failure Vineyards next month. Our chef will be creating a menu to pair with the unique wines of Personal Failure Vineyards of New Zealand. Representing the estate will be Eli and Harry who import Personal Failure wines directly into the UK.

Despite what your cynical mind might believe, winemaker dinners are not JUST the best way to fill an empty restaurant on a Monday night (we have plenty of empties most nights, but that’s because it’s so hard to make a reservation due to our ex-directory number. Try and book on TopTable and you get a message saying, “There are no reservations available within 5 hours of the requested time—not with those shoes.” That’s the way we've managed to get listings in Class magazine.)

We aren't like every other scran-hockey joint, using these events to get arses on seats! Bistro Awesommelier only creates wine dinners when a winery comes along that produces wines that rise to the level of our food. All regulars at Bistro Awesommelier know that our cuisine is nothing if not risible.


7:00 pm - Aperitif
On arrival guests will be greeted by Harry and Eli with a glass of their "University Drop-Out" Sparkling Chardonerry, a rare hybrid grape which is a cross between Chardonnay and Katy Perry. Fun, fruity and limited to only 48 bottles as the rest were confiscated by the Food Standards Agency.

7:30 - Dinner
Despite what you might believe, food and wine pairing is a ludicrous pursuit. Food is only necessary at these dinner so it soaks up the wine. And at home, it’s just such an astonishing waste of time to try and match whatever slop you consider 'dinner' with any decent wine.
AMUSE BOUCHE - Whatever the chef can be bothered to do half an hour before start. He'll have been out at a lock-in til 4 and who plans an amuse anyway? POINTDEXTERS, that's who!

"I used to be an 8 in Topshop" Sauvignon Blanc 2010
 This rare vintage of the popular 'High Street Diffusion' line from Personal Failure vineyards will be served with some form of boring salad. Shut up and eat your starter. it's a Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand, who really cares?

"Quoting Geordie Shore" Chardonnay 2011
The popularity of this release took everyone by surprise. It's loud, brash and takes no prisoners. Fittingly the chef hasn't bothered to taste the wine and will serve this with whatever muck our fishmonger bothers to throw on the passe in the morning. Fuck off, we don't have to be more specific.

"You Married That Slattern" Pinot Noir 2009
The most famous and recognised of Personal Failure Vineyards' releases, the 'You Married that Slattern' Pinot always scored well at the IWC, mainly because all the importers are judges there, but who cares? You get to know a CULT WINE. Biblically if you pay a small surcharge. This wine was drunk by Steve Buscemi recently, so the chef is going to sculpt a model of Buscemi as Mr Pink out of tournedos of beef. You'll want to instagram that shit, that's for sure.

(We aren't in France, no cheese course. Sorry to the posers at the back)

"Blanking my Grandmother on the street" Botrytis Riesling 2006
 Botrytis Riesling, the most grandmotherly of all wines. Chef will probably have a breakdown before he has to make this, remembeing his Nee-Naw teaching him how to make sticky toffee pudding and letting him lick the spoon, so Stefan the KP will step in and make a dessert from his homeland. Thankfully we can confirm that Poppyseed-cake and sweet Riesling is delightful. You won't care anyway though, you'll be shit-faced.

11:30 Carriages
All our staff will be inspecting their nails and loudly closing fridges. Order your taxis or we'll do it for you.

Seating is limited, so be sure to grab a chair when your hosts stop the music. The Personal Failure Wine Dinner is a rare chance to taste the wines our sommelier calls, “Heart-pounding, like a stroke or nearly being hit by a bus.” Remember, it’s a wine dinner. You need to leave your critical faculties at home, where they should be.

All these personal failures relate to Frances' real life experiences. She's also half Polish before anyone wants to start to get pissy.
Photo taken from Fast Forward Event Productions' photostream under the CCL, and in no way means theirs was a rubbish wine dinner. We didn't go, but it looked lovely, so... anyway. 

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